Sunday, 20 November 2011

childminding, swimming, Thailand, manchester, writing, teeth, dilemmas

Again, I have to apologise for such absence. Sometimes I'm just not in the mood to write and update. Sorry.

So what have I been doing since I last posted? Well, I've started my childminding job with B and BB. They're so lovely to look after and bring me huge amounts of joy. I made cupcakes this Thursday with BB for a bake sale at B's school for Children In Need. They were non-dairy cupcakes, using whisked eggs and chestnut puree. Strange but incredibly delicious. We also had a poo explosion, which distressed BB so much with it all down the backs of her legs that we ended up having a mini shower to clean it off as quickly as possible! All in a day's work, it seems. I find myself growing in confidence the more I work with them. Working out how to speak to them can be difficult, but I'm learning how to address negative issues with B, slowly.

I've also been swimming with another B recently. I realised just how unfit I was - I couldn't even do one length without being out of breath!! Note to self: must start doing regular exercise.

My parents went away to Thailand on Wednesday, leaving me at home alone for the ten days which is so far really fun. I love being able to cook for myself and feel responsible for the house! Today I changed beds and put laundry on. Thursday morning I put the bin out and put the dishwasher on. Tomorrow I'm planning to hoover a bit and get more laundry through. Exciting, I know!

I went to Manchester yesterday with a friend. We visited Manchester's Christmas Market, somewhere I've never been before. It was magical - the whole atmosphere was just incredible. I'm hoping for snow this year round Christmas, it's one way to get that same immense feeling that I felt at the market. It truly is a kind of magic, with all the stalls like mini grottoes.

I've slowed down on my NaNoWriMo, but it's still going okay for me. I've been a little busy and a lot tired really - early mornings and late nights do not provide me with enough sleep.

Also, I had some surgery on Wednesday - fingers crossed, my last actual surgery on my mouth! It's a little painful, but I'll survive. I now have these two posts sticking through my gums. Pretty.

I'm also struggling with a dilemma which doesn't help me feel like writing. I would usually talk these things over with a friend, but since she came to me with the dilemma, I can't really talk to her about it. See, she has this friend - and they dated twice in the past, but it didn't work out. And they've stayed friends between and after both times. But she's had feelings for him all along, even after breaking up with him. And yet she knows what he's like with girls, and after he did something a little unforgettably cruel to her back in February this year, she swore she was done and would never go back there at all. She visited him last weekend though, and they ended up kissing. And he told her he loved her. And now she's not sure whether to go back to him or not. She told me that she feels the right thing to do is not to go back to him, but since they keep having these kind of encounters and she thinks she still has feelings for him, she wants to say yes. And she wanted me to tell her what to do, and to remind her of why she had sworn she was never going to go back to him. I have to confess I didn't do that, because it's not for me to make that decision. Instead we discussed things she maybe needed to consider when making the decision. And though I gave her as honest an impression of the boy as I could, I tried to avoid putting my own bias in there.

Thing is, my own gut tells me she shouldn't go back there. I just instinctively feel it's wrong. And it scares me to think she might say yes. I don't want her to know how I feel, as it shouldn't have a bearing on her choice. But I feel like the idea of her saying yes is killing me inside a little bit. I feel as though she must surely end up saying no, but part of me feels she's going to say yes because it's what she actually wants. And I don't know how to deal with that. I love her dearly and know I'll support her whatever her decision. But when the decision might hurt me so much inside, I don't know how to handle it. I just feel that it's a bad idea for her to go back to him, and that if she does she'll get hurt. And I don't want that for her. See why I can't talk to her about it? It wouldn't be fair to tell her all this. It would be like making her choose in a way, and I'm determined not to do that to her. But there isn't really anyone else I can tell this, as I'm pretty sure she hasn't told anyone else about this dilemma and she wouldn't want anyone else to know. And it's not for me to tell anyone, it's not my thing. But it's so hard for me to feel like this and not be able to do anything about it. Which is why I'm releasing it to the Internet anonymously. Because I don't know where else to talk about it. Sorry. And I know, Internet isn't always completely secret and all. But in this case, I need to get it out somewhere. And this is the safest place I can find.

That's all I can write for now. Sorry for boring you with my problems. But hopefully next time I write it'll be more interesting by far.

Love love xx

Saturday, 5 November 2011

Books, Peak District, knobs, necklace, patchwork, wife, Trafford, childminding, NaNoWriMo, plans

Goodness, how time passes by. Before you know it, you've missed posting for ages again! Life has been quite busy, though. So! Last time I posted it was just after my birthday, wasn't it? And I'd just got back from visiting the wife.

Well, all the books I received for my birthday I have now read and enjoyed very much. I found it curious that I hated Animal farm when I read it, yet 1984 I felt was far more interesting. Both by George Orwell, but both very different qualities of story to me. I felt like nothing ever really happened in Animal Farm, whereas 1984 was busy and constantly fascinating to me. Fire was a good, easy read, as was Graceling which I read a long time ago by the same author. I also read Stephen Fry's chronicles, which I enjoyed immensely. His reading is difficult to read without concentrating, but really amusing and quirky. I've also reread The Shack recently, which is always a fresh read. I always come away with it feeling strong and positive and understanding myself better for having read it.

So - the weekend after I was away with the wife I went up to the Peak District with my mum and a couple of her friends from school. One of these friends has a daughter who's just a few years younger than me, and she is an awesome person! She's really clever and funny and good, and I love her company! So we stayed in the Peak district and visited Chatsworth House, where I found some amusing little novelty gifts for H, such as a campervan recipe book (!) and a book based on the telly programme Meerkat manor. I also found a coaster which made me laugh so much I just had to give it to her; and she knew why as soon as she saw it. It was a picture of some hills and there were a few sheep across the front - three pairs of sheep, in fact. And it said underneath 'double ewe double ewe double ewe'. I get that on its own that's just a bit of a corny joke and not that clever. But, having watched Gavin and Stacey about six months ago which the wife lent to me, all i could think when I heard that was of Uncle Bryn saying, 'And the best thing to do is to think of something to help remind you, like with me now, I think of "whiskey with water" which was my brother, God rest his soul, my brother's favourite drink.' And of course, since the wife has seen this too - and with it being a regular quote between the group - she got it straight away!

So I got her those little bits and I got for myself  a slightly ridiculous something:

Door knobs. Or knobs for something like that, anyway. Yes, go on, laugh like a little child, I still do in my head everything I hear the word 'knob'. Aren't they adorable, though, with their tiny buttons all over? They are really buttons, too, they're not painted on. I know I don't have a use for them just now, but I got a pair of each and I'm sure that at some point in the future I will find myself wanting super awesome handles, either for a door or a drawer or a something. And then I will be glad to have them. For now I'm keeping them in a drawer, waiting for their useful time to come But I knew I'd regret it if I didn't buy them. So I bought them!

I also bought a swirly necklace which is very pretty:

And we bought a bakewell pudding, which was very underwhelming.

It was a lovely weekend - the cottage we stayed in was delightful, but freezing and a little small. There was nowhere I could go and get some privacy really, and I value my time to myself a lot. But I did enjoy it despite that, and we arranged to have the other girl, I, come up to us and spend a week, which she did last week.

So yeah, I was up last week, and she made lots of patchwork squares for a quilt for her bed. They were really pretty! She did applique squares rather than piecing, and she did some with just a big flower in the middle in white on a pattern background, and she did some which were four hearts coming out from the middle in patterned fabric on a white background. We also baked Viennese fingers, which were nice, and pecan cookies which are to die for and do not last at all. I've made them twice since she left and eaten them all in a few days! We were going to go to Manchester for a day when we needed to get her brother's cricket stuff to him at the station anyway, but then he was so late that there was no time for us to go to Manchester. But otherwise it was lovely.

And the same time that I left, the wife came down for a brief visit. At some point over the week I had managed to get it into my head that I'd bummed her off somehow and she was in a mood with me. I don't know why I thought that, but I was absolutely convinced. And so when she invited everyone round on the Sunday, I didn't know whether to go or not because I didn't want to annoy her any more than I thought I already had. But it was all alright in the end, because at some point I managed to realise that she wasn't in a mood with me and that i was just a little bit crazy is all. And so I rang her and told her all about it and she just said that she wasn't in a mood with me and that her only problem was that she didn't know how to make things better so that I wouldn't convince myself of things like that randomly and without warning. But we went to the Trafford centre on the Monday, so it was okay really.

yeah, so we went to the Trafford centre on that Monday as part of a plot to cross a couple of things off the list - if you look at the list you will see that things have been crossed off! So we went to the Arcade in the Trafford Centre (who knew they had one of those!!) and we played on the Dance Mat and she beat me. In my defence, it was my first time, and there was a tiny baby that I could see a little way from my screen that was totally distracting! And then we went and played air hockey, and she won, but only just. it was on a drawer and she got the deciding point, is all. don't let her tell you differently. Another round and I would have beaten her! And then we did bowling, which I already knew I was atrocious at because, well, I am. And I kept insisting to her that I was really bad and that it wasn't the best idea, and then on my first round I got a strike! I think she was convinced after the next two rounds when I missed all of them! She was actually alright, she got quite a few spares and a couple of strikes too. In the end, my score was 69, at which she said I had clearly been aiming for that score because it was the rudest number I knew and typical of me! And then we did lots of window shopping and had a cuppa and came home. We did get a lot of funny looks because we were holding hands as we walked round, and she said that she'd seen a couple of people who looked like they were trying to work if we were lesbians. Meh. It didn't really bother me. As far as I'm concerned it's just like holding my mum's hand. But H is my wife I guess, so...!

So yeah! This week I started my childminding job, which is serious fun! I can't believe I'm being paid to do it! It's a lovely job to have, it really is. I've had a few issues getting there in the morning, but that seems to be working itself out now, so no worries! And aside from that, I have no more news - I'm done!

Oh wait, no I'm not. I'm also doing NaNoWriMo this year, and so far it's going awesomely. It's very easy to write, I think because I'm using a lot of what I know already and my own experience to write it, and I usually find that easier.

So today I'm going to write a letter in response to my sister, post that and the letter to my brother, and get my word count for today. i try to do 2000 words a day, to help ensure that I'll hit my target and to tide me over if I don't manage to do any on the days when I child mind. They are long days, after all, and I'm usually in bed very early on them! I've just received a package from Joe Browns, so I'm going to go for now and open that parcel!

Love love xx
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